Prologue
In the past, the gods were numerous and omnipresent on Earth. They intervened in the affairs of men according to their moods. The latter erected temples for them in the hope that their favorite gods would answer their prayers. With the rise of new monotheistic cults, the ancient pantheons lost their hegemony over the terrestrial world: their places of worship were deserted and gradually fell into oblivion.
Denied by the populations, these gods withdrew into themselves in their respective dimensions, in turn abandoning humans without hearing their requests. Kindness had given way to resentment.
The entire planet is now abandoned to Men.
All ?
No, a pair of divinities chose to live among them to better carry out their missions.
Over time, they hid in broad daylight and were totally “immersed” in human society whose codes they adopted.
Today they are at the head of the “Coups & Foudre” agency in New York. Revenge and love being two very strong emotions in humans, their business is flourishing.
Most Immortals view this experiment unfavorably.
However, over the centuries, some have used their services when they needed them, discreetly as the agency promises...
Except when a pantheon comes to make a mess in this well-oiled machine... and everything goes to waste (or rather candy cane given the period) !
Chapter 1
When I arrive at the agency this Friday morning, the phone doesn't stop ringing! However, it’s 10:30 a.m. (I’m not a morning person) and I don’t see anyone?
But where has Cindy gone, the assistant who normally opens at 8:30 a.m.? She'll hear me, that one! Annoyed by the shrill sound that rings my ears, I decide to respond while praying that it will stop.
— Agence Coups & Foudre, hello! Do not quit Please…
Putting calls on hold one after the other – all the switchboard lines are flashing! – I finally take the first one again.
— Hello again, thank you for being patient. What is your request ?
Obviously, given the period, there is only one for my brother! I transcribe the requests as best I can (each one crazier than the last, pfff) and finally sit down at my desk with relief!
To think that I only stopped by to finalize my paperwork, and activate my automatic messaging before my annual leave... Because it's November 2 and for me that means getting away for two months. Conversely, for my partner, it's on the contrary the craziest rush! It must be said that I am a divinity of Vengeance and he, one of Love. It’s crazy how many people want to “find their soul mate” for Christmas dinner! To believe that you automatically need a sweetheart to accompany the turkey, otherwise the feasts don't taste the same?
Fortunately, I, Tisiphone, am a Fury.
My mission on Earth among humans? Apply the punishments they deserve! I excel in my field, and have fun completing the missions that I choose from the requests that come across my blog. Because under the guise of “therapy”, I suggest that people write about their setbacks, and then decide whether to implement punishment or not.
Suffice to say that for me, Christmas, OSEF [1] ! I hate this period!
It would only be the day of December 25, it would still pass but there, from the month of November, humans do tons of it, and repeat the blabla of good feelings to you for weeks!
How do you expect me to work properly when everyone is talking about the “Magic of Christmas”, forgiveness, love and gnagnagna…. Besides, my blog traffic dropped drastically during this period, as if it were in bad taste to talk about your misfortunes when there are garlands everywhere?
In short, as soon as Halloween is over (that's a celebration of death that kills !) , I'm going on vacation to Olympus, until all this "spirit dripping with marshmallows and hot chocolate" has passed, so that I can finally return home. And resume my activities in a state of mind conducive to revenge and punishment!
Yes, because unlike my peers, I love living on Earth (well except for two months) . I am totally immersed in human culture which I found fascinating from the beginning. I do not get enough. Over the centuries, I have mixed with humans and am even, according to a certain part of my family, contaminated by them... It is true that I have regularly had "friends" in my earthly life, and that they have have been “educated” in human codes.
For several centuries, I have also trained my brother Cupid, who thus discovered all the advantages. Convinced, he joined forces with me in the agency which we adapted gradually in order to correspond to our “respective markets”. For a dozen years now, we've been a hit! According to the accepted human expression, we even make “golden balls”! Which allows us to share a huge penthouse with a view of Central Park, and to be VIP [2] in all the trendy places in the city.
In summary, I love it!
But I also like this “return to my roots on Olympus”, and have thus found a life balance that suits me perfectly. I enjoy this time almost as much as the time when I carry out the punishments. If I had to draw a parallel with humans, I would say that for me it corresponds to a very good moment of chilling with a large bowl of Haribo candies (red crocodiles !) which are my guilty pleasures. Because I am then leisurely in my research “laboratory” to develop all the new revenge scenarios to integrate into my “catalogue” for the following year.
I must admit that with almost two thousand years of existence, I have imagined punishments! So, for several decades, I have confined myself to listing the interesting ideas that I find because… humans have a boundless imagination on this subject! Why rack your brains when others have done it for you?
All this to say that, normally, this period should have been, as usual, relaxing and enriching for me...
But that's not true, the standard is still crazy?! I'm going to pull the plug, time to finalize my files and get away quickly!
Unfortunately, I don't have time to put my plan into action and everything goes to hell...
— Tisif! exclaims my brother, who comes into my office all out of breath. It's a catastrophe ! I don't know how I'm going to get out of this! With Mother in addition, I am good at chaining myself with Prometheus and…
—Stop! I said in a peremptory tone to put an end to his tirade. Take a deep breath and start from the beginning. Why put yourself in such a state one day before the weekend? What does this have to do with the punishment of Prometheus [3] ?
It's one of my youthful achievements but knowing my little brother, I know that he couldn't stand one minute of having his liver devoured by an eagle.
So, for him to mention such torture...
— Cindy resigned! She leaves me in the lurch! Like that ! Overnight! While the files keep piling up! I am screwed ! And Mother who adds a layer…
— What is the relationship between Mother and Cindy?
— You, you didn't turn your phone back on... I'll let you be the surprise, come on... There's no reason why I'm the only one having an anxiety attack this morning...
OK, now he worries me.
Indeed, I turned off my cell phone since last night to make the most of my Halloween evening. Because the lust demon I've spent the last twenty-four hours with wouldn't have left me time for anything else, so...
By Olympus, eighteen missed calls! And three voice messages from… Mother!
I listen to them with a heavy lump in my stomach... Well, now I understand my brother's panic!
Like every four years, the Council of the Immortals is held, the meeting which brings together all the pantheons and groups of supernatural beings of all kinds. In the past, each community exchanged with others and mixed willingly according to affinities. Agreements were notably made behind the scenes, in order to separate the influences of each on humans.
But the Angels have changed the situation and established their supremacy thanks to the ever-increasing number of their faithful. They systematically refused all types of agreements or concessions with the various Immortals. Which has made this event completely obsolete over the centuries. To the point that no one goes there anymore. However, the agenda having been decided for the four millennia to come, each community sends an invitation card in turn when the time comes, when it is up to them to organize the Council. Proposal that everyone politely declines, and the Earth continues to turn.
Except this year...
Because guess what? This time, it is my pantheon which receives and it is my dear mother, Nyx, goddess of the Night, who has been designated responsible for the festivities.
Do you think that she would have been content, like all her predecessors, to send an invitation to which no one would have bothered to respond? Nay!
She decided that for the thousandth edition, we would make this event The Place To Be [4] unmissable for everyone ! This must be the event of the century! No of all times! And we are required to attend, my brother and I, even though he has been skipped like everyone else since... I don't remember when.
Because we are part of the “star of the show”?! What else has she imagined? Because Darkness can hold many surprises…
I don't need to consult my cousin La Pythie to know straight away that I'm not going to like it...
- OK, I say in a calm tone that I am far from feeling when faced with Cupid who is staring at me, more stressed than ever. Let's take one problem at a time. Where is Cindy?
Postponing the deadline to discuss our dear mother's whim, me?
But noooo…
— She left me a message this morning at 8:30 a.m. to tell me that she had to take charge of her career and that she was getting on the bus to Los Angeles! Like that !
— Well, I'll take care of his case, don't worry. All she gets as a role will be Madame Pipi in a B series! No, a rotten corpse in a Z series turnip!
— Tisif, there’s no point…
Obviously, the god of love doesn't believe in revenge, but for me, it's my thing! And anyone who does something dirty to us must expect a “return of karma” as humans say.
— I don't know how I'm going to get by without an assistant! my brother whined, interrupting my vengeful thoughts. I can't respond to the switchboard, sort through requests AND respond to them at the same time... I absolutely need help... If my darling big sister would give me a hand when she has nothing more important to do TO DO…
He looks at me with a puppy dog look and tears in his eyes... He's trying to manipulate me, the scoundrel!
— Whoa, I know nothing about love! I absolutely wouldn't know what to say...
— You would have nothing to say! Honestly, do you think Cindy was thinking anything? You can only do better! Well I think…
Obviously, her assistant was the prototype of the brainless blonde bimbo! That it lasted ten months is already an achievement! And compare myself to her while challenging me to do better... He knows which button to press to achieve his goals... Never negotiate with someone who knows you by heart!
— OK, OK, OK, I feel like I'm going to regret it but I'm going to cut back on my vacation to support you... say two weeks? Until the opening ball of the Council? Will this give you time to call on a temp agency in the meantime? But you're going to owe me a hell of a favor in return! Without any time limit to pay your debt!
— Yes! You are the most awesome sister! …And for Mother? You're going to try to reason with her, right? I can't waste even one day right now! Especially not to watch this cheesy thing!
Would you consider getting in the way of a high-speed armored tank? Well no, eh? Well, as far as our mother is concerned, it's the same!
—Absolutely not, Cupid! You'll have to come to terms with your imposed schedule, just like me! Besides, you are perfectly aware of it! Otherwise you wouldn't try to give me the baby...
— Pfff, at least I would have tried, he dares to answer me with a little pout. But I'm counting on you to dissuade her, whatever she wants!
— Well let's see, as if she let herself be influenced by anyone or anything...
His grimace is almost comical because he knows full well that opposing our dear mother is like committing suicide... Compared to this, Prometheus' torment looks like a health journey (and for rickety little old people at that). !).
- Well, he continues, letting go of the matter, since we have an agreement, will you pick up the phone? Because now, I absolutely have to go to Arizona to process the five files I have there. It'll take me a few hours, but should I be able to take a look at this week's requests when I get back?
And poof, he disappears without me having time to respond!
Grrr, how annoying is this ability to “teleport” when it is to my detriment… Resigned, I return to the standard, not without having taken out my special reserve of red crocodiles, because something tells me that I will need it! Three hours and a bad headache later, I decided that two weeks was soooooo long!
Failing to respond to the requests for love of all kinds received, I had lots of ideas of torture that came to mind! So, it's all a question of motivation... No, but honestly, what are these people who want "the neighbor to fall swooning at his feet just after a languorous look?" » Or that “the electrician is a sex beast on the washing machine (when it is on the spin program)”?
It just inspired me to throw the bitch INTO the drum and not on it! In short, listening to all these requests for love is real torture, worse than having a tooth pulled without anesthesia! Besides, I must not have many anymore because I squeeze them so much to keep myself from saying what I think to all these stupid humans!
But on the one hand, my little brother wouldn't forgive me, and on the other hand, I take the period into account. At the sight of a garland or a tree with baubles, the humanoid brain completely disintegrates. It's like we're entering a time bubble of collective hysteria.
I never understood how the Angels achieved this feat but over time, I have to recognize their masterstroke! And it doesn't surprise me for a single second that they are the ones preventing us from going around in circles!
And now it resonates again...
— Coups & Foudre, hello. What is your request ?
— I would like compensation for an unsuccessful request!
Ah, what is that again?
- That's to say ? Could you give me your customer number if you already have a file with us?
I act very professional even though all I want to do is immerse myself in my scented bubble bath! Especially when I reread the famous “unfinished” file from this dissatisfied client…
— Um, I see your request dates back thirty years? Honestly, is it a bit long to complain?
— I was patient, I grant you that! But there, enough is enough! I want another heir because this one is a disappointment without equal measure! Cupid cheated me!
Name of a nailed whip, for him to name my brother, he is an immortal!
I'm frantically looking for the customer information sheet on the system... And damn, I'm (as always) right, pfff...
— Listen, Moloch, you made a request to match with a human and obtain an heir. Which was done diligently since you have a twenty-nine year old son. So I don't really understand your complaint...
—A son who never showed any aptitude for Death! He is a nature lover! What do you want me to do with this?!
Ouch. Obviously, this is the risk when you match a divine entity with a mortal: the mating fruit does not systematically inherit the supernatural essence. Even if it is extremely rare, it must be recognized…
— I understand your disappointment but as you may have read in our contract, we cannot guarantee the result of procreation. So, we have fulfilled the terms of our mission, even if it does not quite meet all of your expectations...
— I paid Cupid a fortune in energy! And he cheated on me! I want compensation! Another match! But with a goddess this time! To avoid another incident like this because it is unacceptable!
No, but this one doesn't lack air!
For the Immortals, we ask for a payment in “power” because it takes a lot from us to intervene on one of ours. We are not going to bleed ourselves for “colleagues” who no longer even speak to us, we must not overdo it (or push grandma into the nettles, as humans would say) .
This Moloch chose a match with a human... So either he's stingy, or he's not powerful enough to afford our premium service. In either case, he should put it on the back burner! Plus, he's from an obscure pantheon and yet behaves as if I were Amazon's after-sales service? Who remembers the Carthaginians and the Punic gods, frankly? Why does he want an heir when he must not have a single living believer for a millennium? I really want to hang up on him, this Immortal of my two!
But... I'm catching myself because I've just thought about the Council... With the luck I have, this idiot will come and it's never healthy to upset my mother... Remaining professional, knowing that this is the last case that I processing before taking a well-deserved break, I take a deep breath to respond in a calmer voice.
— I can send you a new contract for this request and…
— There's no way I'm going to pay for that again! Cupid owes me that after the fiasco I just explained to you! And then, I don't have to argue with an underling! Pass it to me immediately!
Well, he's starting to give me a hard time, this one! So much for professionalism...
- So first of all, you're going to stop talking to me like a maid because I'm not one. Secondly, we owe you nothing at all because the contract was honored according to the terms that you duly validated. If you can't read and signed without knowing, that's not my problem. Third, given your complaints, I have the pleasure of blacklisting you [5] from our customer base. Hoping to have met your expectations, I wish you a good day!
Clack! Hanging up on him while he's yelling at the end of the line makes me feel really good! Still, hitting people is really easier than talking to them...
To have a few moments of peace, I neutralize this damn switchboard by sending it to automatic messaging. I'm going to have to struggle with my vocals later, but right now, I just need some silence.
Otherwise my Fury nature will come out right away... And that... Let's just say that the last time this happened to me, I had to call on a whole armada of fairies and elves to clean up the carnage and put everything back in order. My brother is still shuddering and my bank account took a hit for a while…
Besides, speaking of Cupid, here he comes home all perky: his missions must have been successful (at least one of us had a good day, pfff…).
“Hey, here are the fifteen requests received this morning, classified with your post-it system,” I said to him, handing him the grievance sheets. Honestly, you should really stop killing trees to print your files. Why don't you read them on the cloud like everyone else?
— What do you want, you're the computer freak. I miss the days of parchment. The texture of the paper, the analysis of the writing… All of this helped me in my choices. There, it's sanitized and impersonal.
It's certain that without me, we would still be in the era of telegrams... I had to fight for a whole month to make him give in, and impose the digital transition in our mode of operation. But my little brother has a knack for always resisting in his own way, grrr…
— By the way, I sent away a minor god who was complaining. So, if he ever calls back, don't even listen to him and hang up!
— But... but what was he complaining about? Cupid asks me with a devastated look.
It must be said that he is extremely uncomfortable with conflicts. Unlike me. Question of nature, I suppose. As a result, the slightest remark puts him in a state of stress that he has a hard time managing...
— An old story in which you have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for, so simply ignore it. He's pissed because his offspring isn't what he wanted.
— Ah... It's rare but it happens, and I always make it clear each time... — Don't worry, I made it clear to him, come on! ... Well, otherwise it's Friday, so I suggest you close the agency early. I no longer take requests and you can move forward with your selection. Is it all good for both of us? Because now, I just want my bath with my pearls and my current book!
— But... you can't leave me like this with all the files to choose from!
— Listen, you just have to draw lots for your damn files and that's it! I'm sick of it! And…
“Okay,” he says soothingly because he realizes that I'm on the verge of getting really angry. Come home, run your bath with a ton of scented pearls, and relax. Shall I join you after stopping by the Trattoria? And we will choose together? With a bottle of Dionysus [6] ?
He knows how to capitalize on my weaknesses, this deceiver. Because I love Gino’s truffle pizza! And our cousin, like the good god of wine, has a reserve of great classified wines that humans would compare to gold in bars.
“Okay,” I said with a smile despite myself.
Weak, me? But noooo…
[1] O n S ' E n F iche.
[2] Very Important Person.
[3] He gave fire to humans and was punished by Zeus to have his liver devoured every day by an eagle.
[4] The place to be.
[5] Blacklist: Be banned.
[6] God of wine — Greek pantheon.